I often find myself thinking in circles, looping back to the same place I began. It can make it feel like I'm not learning, not changing.
In my last journal entry I mentioned that I had been thinking about Life, Death and Relationships... well that's still kicking around inside this thing I call a brain. I'm going to try and relinquish a few of them now.
I think easiest one to talk about right now is relationships - I don't have many 'exes', but I do quite often find myself thinking about the 3 people I dated. I haven't spoken to any of them in years, yet some days I wish I could thank them for the time we spent together and explain how much they helped me want to live and love. Then some days I resent them completely and want to burn any remnants of their existence that may remain in my life. I mean that quite literally too - any old love letters, drawings, books, they feel like weights around my neck and snap me right back to being that overly sensitive 17 year old turning up for dinner with your family, wearing a shirt and carrying a box of home made cookies to share with everyone. Those times were lovely and vital, but it's the memory of the following heartbreak that kills me, and the bullshit connotations that they carry with them. My first was a brief relationship with a beautiful and intelligent girl from another city. Within 2 months she went from being in love with me, to breaking up with me. That still leaves me sore & angry. A feeling so strong as love shouldn't be picked up and dropped. Give a boy confidence and then crush him within weeks. And the thing is, I don't blame you, we were 17. Who knows what the heck those feelings mean at 17!?! Geez, even within the last 3 years I've found my brain meandering down dark alleys of confusion, as if I haven't learnt a thing since I was 17, I've just grown thicker skin.
That first one, we tried to remain friends. I didn't know how to be friends after that, so I got attacked by her loyal friends as well and lost them too.
The second one, she threw her heart at me so heavily and quickly it bowled me over again. Similarly she grew tired, this time after a year. I knew she was cheating on me by the end, but my lack of self confidence meant I could never bring it up, instead when she broke up with me I really didn't care, though I continued to hate myself. Man, being aged 15 to 23 was a minefield. I'm so glad I made it through all that. And that's part of why I'd like to thank these people, but also part of why I'd like to swear at them.
You helped make me who I am, but you did it in a f**king s-h-i-t-t-y way.
I don't have much to say about my 3rd ex - she was nice, but I was still too broken, it would never have worked out anyway.
You have to make your peace with these things or it's all for nothing.
You have to take some deep breathes, and wash off the dirt that makes it hard to breathe some days.
And now I'm getting married in 1 weeks time. We met when I was 20, and everything felt totally different with her. She's everything good in a person, honest, beautiful, funny, kind, intelligent, compassionate, and we work through all the best and worst things together. I was still a bit broken at the start (and i'm still a bit broken now in fact) but it has always been better with her.